Friday, November 30, 2012

From the Desk of a Guy Turning 44

Tomorrow's my birthday! Yep, I'll go from the ripe young age of 43 to the slightly overly ripe age of 44. It doesn't really bother me though. I figure that most 60+ folks out there wish they were still 44 and consider that age to be "tender" at best. So, I guess it's all about having a proper perspective.
Speaking of "perspective", I thought I would take a moment to share a few tidbits about life from a "well-seasoned" (older than 40) point of view.
By the way, if you're reading this and do happen to be older than me, PLEASE do not leave comments telling me things will get worse! I just don't think I could take it!

The following is a list of 11 truly great revelations I have come to embrace my 43rd year of life on planet earth. They are in no particular order.

  1. Briefs are far more comfortable than boxers. Women seem to like boxers better, but women do not need "support" in that area, so who cares what they think!

  2. Losing weight after 40 is almost impossible. You have to do twice the amount of work for half the results. If you are fat at 43, you will most likely die fat. So eat, and die happy.

  3. Younger women do not think guys over 40 are sexy (not that I care, I have a honey) unless they have money. If you do not have money, you are out of luck.

  4. Coloring your hair will not fool anyone about your age. Your sagging man boobs tell the tale, so save your money boys and go gray gracefully.

  5. Going without water all day will not keep you from having to get up to pee in the middle of the night. At 43, your body conserves a certain amount of water that it will only release after midnight regardless of your best efforts to avoid getting up.

  6. The health of your "love life" will eventually be in the hands of a pharmaceutical company. If you want to keep your wife "happy", just suck it up and buy the pills!

  7. Those pains you feel when you get up in morning are your body's way of encouraging you that you are not wasting money on that life insurance policy you took out when you were young.

  8. Book companies are not making books with smaller print. This is a lie. You are 43. Buy the glasses you pretend you don't need before you end up accidentally taking your wife's hormone pills, thus making your man boobs much worse.

  9. At 43, you should never pick anything up off the floor. The Chiropractor has enough patients…and money.

  10. Buying that cool sports car is now pointless. At 43, the ladies only want to know if you can afford those pills discussed in revelation # 6. If you can, you're good to go with the chicks!

And finally….
  1. At 43, I'm just now beginning to understand…that I do not understand anything.
And I'm guessing that's a good thing.

Happy Birthday to me!