Saturday, November 17, 2012

33+1 Good Excuses To Skip Church This Sunday

Tomorrow morning, thousands of good-hearted Christians will rise up for another trip to the ole church house. Some will go with joy, some…not so much.

For those of you who would love to stay home, but struggle with knowing what to say to that nosy church member you will inevitably run in to at Wal-Mart on Monday. I have just the thing for you!

Yes, it’s my very special “33 + 1 excuses to skip church this Sunday” list. Try one, try them all! Guaranteed to throw those pesky Pharisees off your scent!

• God told me I needed to stay home this Sunday for some reason (this is great, who can dispute God???).

• I worked 80 hours this week (well it felt like 80).

• The music is too loud/slow/fast/old/new/contemporary.

• The music director wouldn’t let me sing in the choir.

• The pews/chairs are too hard/soft.

• I’m just not getting fed.

• It’s full of hypocrites

• They try and get “rough” youth to come. I don’t want to be a part of a church that invites kids with problems.

• I don’t have anything to wear.

• I can stay home. There are plenty of preachers on TV.

• They just want my hard earned cash.

• The preacher preaches against Harry Potter

• I can’t come without my spouse.

• The preacher preaches too long.

• They have drums there.

• Our electricity went off.

• It’s too cold/hot.

• No one checked on me the last time I was sick

• Someone I don’t like goes there.

• The preacher yells too much.

• There are too many old people.

• There are too many young people

• They cater to the young too much.

• They cater to the old too much.

• I really needed to mow the yard.

• The preacher gave a sermon directed specifically at me.

• I can’t come because I might fall asleep and embarrass myself.

• The toilets at church smell funny.

• The preacher hacks and spits on people.

• I thought I might be getting sick.

• Someone corrected my child last time I went.

• Someone always sits in my seat.

• I just needed a day off.

And my favorite:

• Ken Richmond doesn’t go, why should I?

Feel free to throw me under the bus. I’ll be your Huckleberry.